Baggage, the new kind.

Through all of the pain and heartache you go through when you lose a child, you don't think of the possible baggage that could come along with that. Especially if you have PTSD from the experience. There are so many triggers, that you didn't realize were triggers. Until somebody qualified taught you how to identify them.

Triggers come in so many forms after losing a child, especially accompanied by PTSD. Anything at all that's related to a baby is excruciating. Clothing, toys, schools, parks, anywhere a child could be. One of the worst are pregnant women. Personally I become so torn, because I am so happy for them and at the same time it feels like I'm dying inside all over again.

However, I realized something over this weekend. There were Trigger's I hadn't identified for what they were because I categorized those in the "Happy" part of my pregnancy. When there wasn't anything wrong with my baby, I was happily "dating" somebody who was not Lillian's father. I fell hard and fast for him, but not very far into it he backed off and said he was scared to get involved with somebody who was pregnant. I was hurt, my heart was broken. But we stayed friends and he became a support system of sorts for me. He meant a lot to me after I had lost her, he will always have a special place in my heart.

With that said, he is also a Trigger. If I see him or talk to him, I get flashbacks, nightmares and I just become overcome with grief. So, my point of this post, is that just because it was something good in your life at the time, doesn't mean that it won't cause you pain in the aftermath of what had happened.

This is MY Journey. This is MY Struggle. It's still a taboo subject, welcome to my life.

Stillbirth, Miscarriage, and Infant Loss is still such a Taboo subject. I often find people dumbfounded, speechless, and absolutely appalled that I am willing to talk so openly or even at all about losing Lillian.

But my question to those people is this, How could I NOT talk about my daughter? Don't get me wrong, for a long time it was something I avoided like it was some sort of flesh eating disease. But that doesn't change the fact that now, I'm in a place where I not only want her to be remembered, I NEED to talk about her for my own healing. Her birth was life altering for not only me, but my whole family.

I'm here to tell you, that I'm not going to stop talking about her, I'm not going to back down, I will not apologize if it makes you uncomfortable. She is my daughter. I have every right to talk about her, remember her, cry about her, and love her. Even if she is not with me physically, She is here in my heart.

It's been a while..

I haven't been around in a while.. I've been growing, learning, wallowing in self pity, loving my little boy, grieving and trying to be a better person.

I've been through so much since I last posted, but what I'm dealing with most recently is PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Instead of dealing with the emotions and heartbreak that were obviously going to pop up after Lillian's death, I avoided it. I avoided it at all costs. I avoided it if it meant jumping over people and hiding under a car to avoid talking about it. That kind of avoidance.
As a result, 4 years later, I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I'm at the beginnings of Trauma Therapy with a Therapist that I love, but it is still hard. Ridiculously hard. It feels impossible. But I've grown to trust My Psychiatrist, and my Therapist, and I know they wouldn't put me through this if they didn't believe I couldn't do it, and that it wasn't needed. Because it is SO needed.

Anyways, the reason I'm back:

I'm scared. I'm Terrified, actually.

I'm scared that family, friends,acquaintances, strangers, passerby's, anyone whose ever talked to me about Lillian will forget Lillian's name. Or more specifically, they will forget she existed. Some may think I'm being ridiculous to think this. But it does happen by people, because people are people after all? And it still hurts me, deeply. But I am a forgiving person.

She was a very tiny, beautiful person; with a lovely name.

She impacted my life, in such a profound way; I'm still trying to weed through it all.

To think that people could forget that she ever existed, is painful to me. She's my daughter.

Dead or not, she is my daughter.

Hurts Like Hell.

Have come and gone, it feels so distant, but the pain is still so raw that I know it hasn't been that long at all. These have been the hardest months of my life, I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm still so heart broken, lost, devastated. I pretend to be okay, for everyone's sake. But I sometimes wonder if that is healthy? It can't be, but it's the only way I've been able to cope.. or shut a door on it. The only time I really think about losing her is during my counseling appointments. & to be completely honest I haven't been completely honest with my counselor. I'm not sure she'll be able to help me. I don't want to talk about what happened anymore, it's just too unbearable. It feels like somebody is taking the breath right out of you, and you have a gaping whole inside you that can't be filled. It's a moment of Panic and Sorrow and everything in between when you have to remember what happened. It's shocking and it hurts like hell.

God is the only person who knows my pain and knows how I feel about everything. But for some reason, it still isn't very comforting. I just want my baby.

RIP Lillian Isabella Stovall

On the afternoon of April 29th, 2010 the unimaginable happened to a young soon to be mother. I went in for my NST (Non stress test) and they couldn't find her heartbeat. Lillian Isabella Stovall was stillborn on April 30th, 2010. Just one day before her baby shower. I was 29 weeks 3 days pregnant with Lily when I lost her.

Let's go back to December of 2009. I was about 8 weeks pregnant with Lily. I went to the hospital for uncontrollable vomiting. I couldn't keep saltines, or even water down. I was throwing everything up, and dry heaving when I couldn't get anything to come up. My OB-GYN told me to go in to the Hospital and they would give me fluids through an IV along with some medications to control the vomiting. I was told I had Hypermesis Gravidarum, In other words I had really severe morning sickness. I was then put on medications to be taken orally several times a day to keep me & the baby healthy. I continued to take those up until the day she was born. I was severely lethargic throughout my whole pregnancy. I was spilling protein and sugar in my urine. They were keeping a close eye on me to make sure I didn't have Pre-eclampsia. When I was about 20 weeks they decided I was developing it. My Blood Pressure was very high, 170/100. They put me on medication to control my Blood Pressure and keep the baby and my self safe. At about 27 weeks pregnant I tested positive for Gestational Diabetes. I was sent to a nutritionist and learned how to eat properly and take my blood sugar several times per day. Then at 29 weeks and 3 days we couldn't find her heartbeat. The Good Lord had called little "LilyBelle" home.

I remember being in the room, with about 4 nurses around me trying desperately to find a heartbeat. By the time they had hit the 2o minute mark, I text messaged my husband and told him he'd better come to the hospital and that things weren't looking good. They had told me a few dozen times they were sure she was just turned funny, or had her back to mine and it would show up on an ultra sound. My mom was in the room with me the whole time, she had come with me to my appointment so we could run some errands for the baby shower afterwards. We never got to run those errands. They had an OB-GYN who was working that day in the hospital come in with an ultra sound machine that was very out dated. He started to look and got a very grim look on his face, by that time my husband had walked in and I had started to bawl. I knew she was gone when they couldn't find her heartbeat the first, second, and umpteenth millionth time. After looking on the U/S machine, he said that he thought it was just the machine and they were sending me to another floor with the best U/S machine they had. My mom finally came out and asked him, "should you see her heartbeat on this machine?" he said "yes, I should be able to". There is only one thing I have to say to you Dr. Mallory. FUCK OFF. God forgive me, but you were possibly the worst doctor I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. How dare you make me hope and wish that she was still alive, when you damn well knew that she wasn't.

Once I was wheeled up stairs to the U/S room they had a technician doing the ultra sound and she said she wasn't allowed to tell me anything. I had already known Lily was gone, so I didn't really need the confirmation from her anyhow. Her supervisor came in and took a look and all she said was "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat". She was cold and distant.

They wheeled me back downstairs and set me up in Room 18. While I waited for Dr. Mallory to come back in, my Dad, brother, and sister in law came in. It was really good to see some familiar faces in that place. Dr. Mallory eventually came in and told me what my options were and I refrained from punching the heartless jerk in the face. At the time I had really wanted them to do a C-Section and just get it over with. But now when I look back, I think it's good I decided to get induced and have her vaginally. I was completely numb emotionally through most of the process but I was still able to grieve. & just because her spirit wasn't here anymore, she was still my baby and as much as I hadn't realized it then, I needed to give birth to her and go through that process.

Dr. Mallory told me I could go home for a day or two and then come back, but I couldn't fathom having her inside me that long while she was already gone, so I decided to just go ahead and have them admit me then and start the process. They used a pill that they inserted inside my vagina and put next to my cervix. It worked well and I progressed quickly once it started working. My mom and husband stayed with me at the hospital. I was up until 4 AM and then I finally fell asleep. The nurses woke me up periodically to check on me. I then woke up at 7 AM on my own and I was in quite a bit of pain. They had given me all kinds of pain medications but they didn't work. So they rushed and got my epidural done quickly. Once it started working I was able to rest again. They kept checking me throughout that morning and I hadn't progressed much. Then at about 1 PM I was dialated to 2. at about 2:15 I asked Matthew to go get Lisa, because I was feeling a lot of pressure. Meanwhile my husband had gone back to the apartment he was sharing with a friend while we split up to get some clean clothes. Lisa came in and checked me, the baby was RIGHT THERE. She sat on my bedside with her fingers on Lily's head holding her inside until the OB on call got there (MY OB-GYN was out of town at the time but once they got Dr. Mallory out of there I was VERY well taken care of and the rest of the staff was very sensitive). My mom called my husband and told him to hurry back, luckily he was only about 5 minutes away. He got back just as I started to push. Dr. Kaepernick was fantastic and very sympathetic. I only had to give one hard push and Lily was born at 2:31 PM on April 30, 2010. She was absolutely beautiful, and completely perfect in her own way. Right after she came out, So did the tears. I flooded with them, and in a way it felt good. It was healing.

Not long after Lily was born they were checking me to see if the Placenta was going to birth. It wasn't. I started to hemorrhage and they couldn't find an OR to get me into. Finally at about 4 PM they rushed me into a C-Section room, and my mom rushed out to her car. They found out my Epidural had run out long before I gave birth, and the lovely gentleman who did my Epidural was absolutely pissed. He told me if things took a turn for the worst that I would be out quickly and would suffer from amnesia after I woke up. Well, they did take a turn for the worst and everything he gave me didn't do ANYTHING! I didn't pass out like he said I would, and I didn't suffer from amnesia. I remember everything in great clarity, and I'm glad. They had about 6 nurses in the room that I could see, my DR, and the "Epidural guy" (hehe). They worked vigorously to get the Placenta out, and after what seemed like forever it was finally out and I had lost almost 3/4 of a liter of blood, I had bruises all over my stomach from the nurses punching my stomach trying to get the bleeding to stop. They brought me back to my room where my husband was waiting. My mom wasn't there and I couldn't figure out where she had gone. My aunt's came in to see me, and then went outside and told my mom I was fine. After everything was said and done and I had been home for about 2 weeks I found out where my mom was during all of it. She had run out to the car to cry. She thought she was going to lose me too, and I don't blame her for worrying because she almost did. It breaks my heart to think about my mom losing me, because I now know how it feels to lose a daughter. It's horrendous, heartbreaking, unimaginable pain.

That night Husband stayed with me again, and again I didn't sleep much. They let me have Lily in the room with me as much as I had wanted and I'm really glad. They also called a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep or "NILMDTS". She came in and did free photographs of Lily for us. It was very special, and I'm forever grateful to Tresa, and the foundation. I have beautiful pictures I never would have had if it weren't for them.

The next day I had Lily with my husband and I most of the day. We spent a lot of time with her. My parents also spent quite a lot of time with her. Giving her back, and knowing I had held her for the last time was extremely hard. I handed her back to the nurse at 9:03:06 PM on May 1st, 2010. Then I cried, got dressed, gathered my things, and left the hospital. It was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My heart broke as I left her there. My dad pulled the mini-van around and he loaded my stuff into it. I went to the pharmacy to get my medications, then headed home with my parents. My husband met me there. He and I had been separated for most of the pregnancy. We reconciled, and we've been together since.