Baggage, the new kind.

Through all of the pain and heartache you go through when you lose a child, you don't think of the possible baggage that could come along with that. Especially if you have PTSD from the experience. There are so many triggers, that you didn't realize were triggers. Until somebody qualified taught you how to identify them.

Triggers come in so many forms after losing a child, especially accompanied by PTSD. Anything at all that's related to a baby is excruciating. Clothing, toys, schools, parks, anywhere a child could be. One of the worst are pregnant women. Personally I become so torn, because I am so happy for them and at the same time it feels like I'm dying inside all over again.

However, I realized something over this weekend. There were Trigger's I hadn't identified for what they were because I categorized those in the "Happy" part of my pregnancy. When there wasn't anything wrong with my baby, I was happily "dating" somebody who was not Lillian's father. I fell hard and fast for him, but not very far into it he backed off and said he was scared to get involved with somebody who was pregnant. I was hurt, my heart was broken. But we stayed friends and he became a support system of sorts for me. He meant a lot to me after I had lost her, he will always have a special place in my heart.

With that said, he is also a Trigger. If I see him or talk to him, I get flashbacks, nightmares and I just become overcome with grief. So, my point of this post, is that just because it was something good in your life at the time, doesn't mean that it won't cause you pain in the aftermath of what had happened.

This is MY Journey. This is MY Struggle. It's still a taboo subject, welcome to my life.

Stillbirth, Miscarriage, and Infant Loss is still such a Taboo subject. I often find people dumbfounded, speechless, and absolutely appalled that I am willing to talk so openly or even at all about losing Lillian.

But my question to those people is this, How could I NOT talk about my daughter? Don't get me wrong, for a long time it was something I avoided like it was some sort of flesh eating disease. But that doesn't change the fact that now, I'm in a place where I not only want her to be remembered, I NEED to talk about her for my own healing. Her birth was life altering for not only me, but my whole family.

I'm here to tell you, that I'm not going to stop talking about her, I'm not going to back down, I will not apologize if it makes you uncomfortable. She is my daughter. I have every right to talk about her, remember her, cry about her, and love her. Even if she is not with me physically, She is here in my heart.

It's been a while..

I haven't been around in a while.. I've been growing, learning, wallowing in self pity, loving my little boy, grieving and trying to be a better person.

I've been through so much since I last posted, but what I'm dealing with most recently is PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Instead of dealing with the emotions and heartbreak that were obviously going to pop up after Lillian's death, I avoided it. I avoided it at all costs. I avoided it if it meant jumping over people and hiding under a car to avoid talking about it. That kind of avoidance.
As a result, 4 years later, I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I'm at the beginnings of Trauma Therapy with a Therapist that I love, but it is still hard. Ridiculously hard. It feels impossible. But I've grown to trust My Psychiatrist, and my Therapist, and I know they wouldn't put me through this if they didn't believe I couldn't do it, and that it wasn't needed. Because it is SO needed.

Anyways, the reason I'm back:

I'm scared. I'm Terrified, actually.

I'm scared that family, friends,acquaintances, strangers, passerby's, anyone whose ever talked to me about Lillian will forget Lillian's name. Or more specifically, they will forget she existed. Some may think I'm being ridiculous to think this. But it does happen by people, because people are people after all? And it still hurts me, deeply. But I am a forgiving person.

She was a very tiny, beautiful person; with a lovely name.

She impacted my life, in such a profound way; I'm still trying to weed through it all.

To think that people could forget that she ever existed, is painful to me. She's my daughter.

Dead or not, she is my daughter.

Hurts Like Hell.

Have come and gone, it feels so distant, but the pain is still so raw that I know it hasn't been that long at all. These have been the hardest months of my life, I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm still so heart broken, lost, devastated. I pretend to be okay, for everyone's sake. But I sometimes wonder if that is healthy? It can't be, but it's the only way I've been able to cope.. or shut a door on it. The only time I really think about losing her is during my counseling appointments. & to be completely honest I haven't been completely honest with my counselor. I'm not sure she'll be able to help me. I don't want to talk about what happened anymore, it's just too unbearable. It feels like somebody is taking the breath right out of you, and you have a gaping whole inside you that can't be filled. It's a moment of Panic and Sorrow and everything in between when you have to remember what happened. It's shocking and it hurts like hell.

God is the only person who knows my pain and knows how I feel about everything. But for some reason, it still isn't very comforting. I just want my baby.