It's been a while..

I haven't been around in a while.. I've been growing, learning, wallowing in self pity, loving my little boy, grieving and trying to be a better person.

I've been through so much since I last posted, but what I'm dealing with most recently is PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Instead of dealing with the emotions and heartbreak that were obviously going to pop up after Lillian's death, I avoided it. I avoided it at all costs. I avoided it if it meant jumping over people and hiding under a car to avoid talking about it. That kind of avoidance.
As a result, 4 years later, I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I'm at the beginnings of Trauma Therapy with a Therapist that I love, but it is still hard. Ridiculously hard. It feels impossible. But I've grown to trust My Psychiatrist, and my Therapist, and I know they wouldn't put me through this if they didn't believe I couldn't do it, and that it wasn't needed. Because it is SO needed.

Anyways, the reason I'm back:

I'm scared. I'm Terrified, actually.

I'm scared that family, friends,acquaintances, strangers, passerby's, anyone whose ever talked to me about Lillian will forget Lillian's name. Or more specifically, they will forget she existed. Some may think I'm being ridiculous to think this. But it does happen by people, because people are people after all? And it still hurts me, deeply. But I am a forgiving person.

She was a very tiny, beautiful person; with a lovely name.

She impacted my life, in such a profound way; I'm still trying to weed through it all.

To think that people could forget that she ever existed, is painful to me. She's my daughter.

Dead or not, she is my daughter.